Attempts at Perfection & It’s Failures

“Have no fear of perfection – you will never achieve it.” – Salvador Dali

I can’t get my head around it.  Does anyone with diabetes who is motivated in their management think they can’t achieve perfection?  Yes I said CAN’T.

As a Person With Diabetes I think that not only can I achieve challenging feats beyond my day to day life, such as ascending the Peruvian Tundra to over 15,000 ft BUT I can also achieve perfection with my diabetes.

As a PWD I know that this mindset is superfluous.  BUT, I still want to pursue it, just in case I can achieve it.  You never know, right??  Isn’t that a great goal to set and pursue. Almost like a cure, really.

BUT….yes, I said BUT…I am reminded of how the attempts of trying to be all that to my endocrine system and diabetes management isn’t that simple. Even after coming into 40 years of living with diabetes and being a Mom of a PWD for 14 years.

I am reminded on our flight to Peru, no matter how hard I attempt to make my diabetes perfect, I cannot.

IMG_1326

Upon take off I am aware of the potential impact the air pressure can have on my insulin pump delivery.  The rule of thumb despite there is not total clinical evidence with regards to this is to disconnect on ascension and descending. Why?  The talk of the town is that upon take off the pressure can change the delivery of insulin to cause a low blood sugar. During the flight the pressure change can create air bubbles resulting in missed insulin after landing.

I have experienced this throughout the past 14 years of travel on an insulin pump but was not aware of the ‘talk’ that circulated about this until the past few years.

So, whether clinically relevant or not, I decide to take heed to try and avoid this.

We are prepared for take off at Pearson.  Status quo.  Prior to boarding I check my Continuous Glucose Sensor.  All is good in my diabetes world.

As the plane positions itself for take off on the runway I disconnect from my site with the intention of reconnecting within a few minutes after the rapid ascension is complete.

I am excited.  I am thinking about our trip, the flight which is 21 hours with stop overs.  In my mind I am running through what we packed versus the list I print and check off.  I am nervous.  I am landing in a city that has an elevation of over 8,000 feet.  I am worried after the stories I am told of elevation sickness.

The airline steward serves our snacks.  I give it to Steve.  Packed full of gluten. I don’t need a snack anyway.  I’m not hungry.  I look at some magazines.  I do a Word Search.

Several hours pass by.  I start to feel like the Sahara desert lives in my mouth. My stomach feels like a brick made a home in it.  My chest feels heavy.

I question these feelings.  Why?  It feels like I am high.  How come?  I don’t clue in to check my sugar though.  I attribute it to the elevation, the dry air, the excitement.

The steward comes around again.  Offers snacks.  I pass mine onto Steve’s again.  Maybe if I eat and drink a ton of water I’ll feel better.  I take one of my gluten free bars out of my bag.  I bolus, I eat. I feel like crap.

Is it the flight?  The cabin pressure?  I just can’t make sense of it.  Obviously my brain cells are not firing on all cylinders.  Doesn’t being on guard all the time with managing diabetes do that to a person?

Then…I get an itch at my site.  And so I scratch. It is so itchy I must lift my shirt enough to place my hand under so I can make skin to skin contact to find satisfaction. While scratching I realize my tubing at my site is flopping back and forth….I am NOT attached to my site.

I forgot to re-connect after take off.  That was 3 hours ago.

In my effort to achieve diabetes management perfection, I fail.

Now, forgiveness is mine. I am so insulin sensitive that I only end up with a BG of 11 mmol/L.  I check for ketones as well.  They measure at only 0.3.  So…I correct for the gluten free bar and basal rates missed as well as a small amount for the trace amount of ketones.  It takes several hours to come down and even though my sugar is only 11, I feel like I’m on the edge of DKA.  I  know what it’s like, I’ve been there.

We land in Peru and I am almost in target.

After that incident I make a promise with myself.  Disconnecting on a flight to achieve perfect blood sugars is not a goal I wish to achieve.  For what I wish to achieve I fail.  I avoid a potential low but instead end up high and feeling terrible.

What’s the lesser of two evils.  I can’t answer that but I will tell you I will no longer disconnect my site.

Where to Start…Our 12 Day Crazy Busy Trip to Peru…The Intro

I have heard this song “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros off and on while listening to Songza.com for the past few years. Yes, the tune is catchy but the words hit the deepest chord within me.

What is Home?

The days my daughter Cayla and my son Kurtis were born I found my home. They were and still are the centre of my being and when they were little that was where I trusted I belonged. Where I felt beyond comfortable. I was in my realm. I always wanted to be a Mom. I knew I would protect them as best as I had in me to the death. They have been, still are and will always be a part of me and the core of my being.

Growing up my Mom was very fond of the story of Ruth and it seemed she quoted a verse in particular often and in a very fond way.  I didn’t understand the impact it would it have on my life until the past few years.  And so I also associate this Blog series on our trip to Pero to what Ruth says in Ruth 1:16.

Ruth 1:16 (ISV) | In Context | Whole Chapter

16 But Ruth answered, “Stop urging me to abandon you and to turn back from following you. Because wherever you go, I’ll go. Wherever you live, I’ll live. Your people will be my people, and your God, my God.

Besides my children I have never trusted anyone so much in my entire life as I have my husband Steve.  Even early on in our relationship with the decisions I made, I felt he always had my best interest at heart.  I trust he will love and accept me, diabetes and all. Never once has he ever had to say to me “Trust Me.”.  My gut just says I should. One should never have to say “Trust me.” to make one believe they should.   Actions speak louder than words.

In our conversations in the past many years, aside from our trips, Steve has been to 42 countries.  A majority of them have been for pleasure, as well, some for business and missions.

Of these countries he often speaks fondly of Peru.   He tells me it is the most beautiful place on the earth.  Then I must go there!!!

IMG_6574

IMG_6535

We are aware of ‘rumours’ that Machu Picchu may not be open to the travels Steve experienced years before.

So, when do we go?

Well, life is funny like that.  In 2014 both of my children announce that one is moving to Edmonton, Alberta and one is moving to Wellington, New Zealand.  They won’t be home for Christmas.

For all the Mommies out there I can hear and feel your overwhelming voice of sadness and “that sucks”.  YEP!  It really sucks.

In early Summer I say to Steve that I can not see a Christmas tree standing tall, all lit up with the kids ornaments for the past 23 years hung in all its glory and no kids.  I threaten fetal position in front of the tree.

And so I ask.  Can I please go away with you to the most beautiful place on earth.  And it is written in stone, so to speak.  We commit ourselves to a trip to Peru to experience Machu Picchu on Christmas Day and Plaza Des Armas in Cusco on New Years Eve. One of the top 10 places for New Years in the world!

I am excited but as I research and speak more to those who have been I get nervous.

Despite my nervousness and apprehensions based on others fear mongering, Steve reassures me I can overcome anything that comes our way while we vacation in Peru. Just like Vietnam and Cambodia.

We are a spontaneous pair.  Our Vietnam/Cambodia trip begain with “hey do you want to go to Montreal for a long weekend?” and 3 days before taking flight instead of Montreal, we book a flight with no plans except a hotel ‘base camp’ for Vietnam and Cambodia…for the same price.

There wasn’t a glitch in that whole experience  (except running out of underwear in which I realize I barely fit into even a large size of women’s Cambodian underwear!)  I look back on that trip and it was worth every minute. So much so, we both want to go back.  Despite all the low blood sugars from the heat and humidity as well as losing my beloved Continuous Glucose sensor because it just couldn’t adhere to my skin. (I know how to make that baby stick now!!!)

Despite our challenges and crazy, spontaneous trip while in Vietnam and Cambodia, I experience great apprehensions with Peru.  The two potential issues I am most concerned about are elevation sickness and keeping safe from gluten and wheat so as to avoid a reaction, at worst a severe one.  The stomach upset is one thing.  The hives are another.

I am proactive with elevation sickness and speak with my family physician.  He advises I don’t need anything, I’ll be fine. He was just there and all was good.  He tells me I will be okay. This gives me reassurance.

I admit, on this trip I am not fully proactive in my celiac disease as I should be.  I am still in a learning curve.  This is my first trip as a person living with Celiac disease.  We assume given the Peruvians very large crops of corn and potatoes…there would be very little wheat.

Not so.  Stay tuned.

Reassurances

I am dedicating this to my friend Dee who has concerns that she will develop the mindset of an ‘old Diabetic’.  This mindset consists of being scared to death that having short-term high blood sugars will cause amputation, heart disease, kidney disease and stroke.

As a result of these fears, in the past many ‘old Diabetics’ learned to avoid high blood sugars, purposely running very tight sugars on old insulin such as Lente®, Humulin® L, NPH, Humulin® N, Toronto® and Humulin® R.  As a result the experiences of multiple moderate to severe low blood sugars occurred daily and weekly.  ‘Old Diabetics’ were not taught the mindset that a severe low could kill them or cause damage as well.  I know this all to well because I am one of ‘those’ ‘old Diabetics’.  Sadly, today many still live life like this despite the new technologies and choices we have to manage our diabetes.

I am not supporting anything more than the targets set for you or the A1C you need to achieve to attain a healthy life, but I do believe achieving these go beyond numbers and are associated with the mindset of getting there.

Whether you are an ‘old Diabetic’ or not, being diagnosed and living with diabetes can be empowering AND daunting.  You change your lifestyle to live healthier, a big bonus!  After feeling good about your accomplishments you suddenly experience a setback.  So frustrating!

Do you recall this picture?  Do you see an old hag or a young woman?  Can you change your perception of what you initially see?  It is so hard!

Old hag or young woman

 

It is the same with our diabetes.  What do we see when we look at our lives with diabetes?  How do we change our perception?

Reassurances

Is this picture of a lane a challenge that may be snowy and slippery leading to the unknown, possibly a struggle to walk back up, heart beating fast, muscles burning?  Oh the worry over what could be a beautiful journey if the perception is changed.  Or do you see the pleasure of an enjoyable walk with relaxing views including a beautiful winter blue sky in the horizon?  Do you see it?

How can I reassure you that you can manage your diabetes and avoid the things you fear?  Honestly, I can’t.

What I can reassure you is; YOU are not bad.  You are you as a person first who lives with a chronic disease called diabetes.  Don’t connect the two as to who you are and your accomplishments as a person.

You are not your sugars.  You are not your diabetes.  When I hear the statement “I’ve been bad.”, the next words out of my mouth are; “Hey, do you have diabetes???”.  We both laugh and I say, “That’s why you have high and low blood sugars!, HEY, You have diabetes!!”

So how can I reassure you?  I have changed my view of being an ‘old Diabetic’.

I see the picture differently now.  Do you know why?  Living with diabetes isn’t just about me.  What I understand now is that if I choose to not ‘play the game’.  If I choose to not adhere to the rules, if I choose to keep my perspective as an ‘old Diabetic’ and not learn a new perspective, I am not the only one I am hurting.

Who saves me or helps when I decide to run too tight and too low?  Who is SO scared that they may lose me because I was afraid of a short term high or got crazy keeping my sugars too tight?  It’s not me!

Reassurances

ReassurancesI have given my heart and soul raising my 2 beautiful children into young adulthood, I want to continue doing that.  In particular to my son Kurtis as he begins his life living with diabetes independently.

I want to live life. I want grow old with Steve and be able to fully enjoy our journey together.  I don’t him to worry about me.  He has to deal with my choices I make with my diabetes now and in the future.

 

So, with this, these are my reassurances to you:

You can live with diabetes.

You will change your perspective each day on how that will happen.

Through trial and error you will find your groove.

Do not fear the unknown.  Work with what you have today and change your game plan and perspective as need be.  BUT stick to the rules.

You are not bad no matter what the numbers say, the only change you need to make when you see them is to make it better, for your sake and for those you love.

Lofty Goals

Image

Lofty Goals

Are the goals you set this New Year too lofty?

Do you find you can be like a race horse waiting for the gate to open? You give it your all but you haven’t trained or prepared enough OR don’t have the build or stamina to be a race horse…yet?

My Mom used to say to me “you can only hit the telephone lines if you reach for the sky.”

I’m sure as you read this you say…”What the heck? Isn’t this supposed to be a website for motivation & empowerment?”

It is…this is the point of my post;

I want to help you create positive, realistic goals that are achievable long term.

There is nothing more defeating then setting goals that you are not prepared for which are so lofty yet you are SO excited about. All of the sudden you begin to make excuses, you let the goals drift into what was and you look back and realize you have let them dwindle into a memory, harshly criticizing yourself for failing. A terrible cycle to be in.

An important point to support you in succeeding is to be realistic & committed. The other point is to know that setting small goals that work toward your desired accomplishment is OK!! Congratulate yourself when you reach each small goal. Mark those as your successes.

Bottom line…be realistic.

If your A1C is 10%, don’t expect it to drop to 7% in 3 months. Pick 1% every 3 months & in 9 months you will have reached your goal.

If you decide to test 4 times a day but test randomly throughout the week, start with 1 time for 1 week & 2 times the next week & so on. Establish the habit of testing pick test times that coincide with your life, your schedule.

If you want to lose weight set your goal at 1-2 pounds per week. Weigh yourself once a week, not everyday. Eliminate self-defeating variables that are beyond your control. Did you decide to set your goal to exercise for 1 hour everyday? Will that work with your crazy schedule or your fitness level?

Do you want to run a marathon this year but have never run? Start with running the distance of a telephone pole or run for 1 minute walk for 1 minute for 15 or 20 minutes. If it’s too much, it’s okay to say ‘that’s enough’ and try again tomorrow or re-set your goal to what you can achieve.

What small, realistic goals will you set that will help you get to the final achievement?

Put one foot in front of the other & focus on where that foot is going. Before you know it you have crossed the ‘finish line’.

A New Year, A Lifetime of Change

January 1, 2011 was the beginning of a New Year.  I did not realize that my ‘year’ would last three.

Today is January 1, 2014.  It is traditionally the beginning of a New Year.

Thoughts, discussions, intentions and commitments for change shared. Summaries spoken and written of the year gone by.  Sentiments of regret and thankfulness for the past year or for the start of a new one expressed.

The thought of taking one year out of my life, summarizing it as a huge event and determining what the sentiments of regrets and/or what I am thankful for seems like such a small measurement of time in the 44 years I have been on this earth.  My ‘year’ is defined as a stage as opposed to a calendar year.

My last ‘year’ began in 2011.  Many events and themes which I did not want and which I thought would never happen occurred.  These events and themes have been on the front lines of my life since 2011.

My Mom and Dad gave me this coffee cup for Christmas.  When I opened it I fell in love.  It will be my ‘go to’ cup for my new ‘year’ because since I was a little girl it is who I am.

In my ‘year’ I have experienced death of a marriage, loss of a six figure income job, multiple, costly court hearings, moving 3 times, unemployed with no income for 2 years, major illness, major surgery, a sick parent, new love, the purchase of 3 houses, selling 2 houses, new job, managing a rental property, becoming engaged, living with my fiancé, moving my daughter twice back and forth to Toronto, my daughter living out of province in a remote area that provided little communication for 8 months, my son’s up’s and down’s as 20 year olds do, ‘adopting’ another son, on-line harassment for the past 2 years by my fiancé’s ex, commuting 2 hours a day, acquiring a puppy and a 4-year-old kennel dog and finally, living with Type 1 diabetes for 38 years and being a Mom of a young adult living with Type 1 diabetes.

In my ‘year’ I cried, I cursed, I have been so angry and so sad that I said things to people I didn’t mean and regret.  I made decisions that I regret.  I beat myself up daily and wish I could say and do differently in certain situations.

Why do I write this and open myself to you?  I do believe that I need to share my experiences to help others.  I have decided this is the end of this ‘year’ of events.  I want to move on.  It’s time for a new stage in my life.

Even though I feel it is time to start a new year and celebrate this, based on the events and experiences of the past 3 years I have learned some very important lessons.

1.  Change is inevitable.  Despite posts and quotes online about the fact one CAN control their life and think themselves into the perfect life, I don’t.  I can plan all I want but my plans are not God’s.  That is different then having a cup half full attitude.

2.  Acceptance creates change.  Acceptance of what I can’t control allows for freedom to focus on what’s important and what I can change.

3.  Let go, selectively.  In my life, I have experienced 3 lives.  My childhood, my first marriage with my children as a family and my current life with my fiancé Steve and blended family.  Advice is abounding, telling us that if one doesn’t let go of the past and move forward then one will never grow.  I refuse to ‘forget’ my past and ‘move forward’.  If I did that I would be letting go of the experiences my children and I have had that are important to us, good and bad.  My past has made me and my children who we are today.  When I dwell on a moment and it creates an emotion, I have learned that it is time to decide why I am dwelling on it.  What is the lesson?  How can I use that moment for my present life?  I believe past and present are a marriage which promotes personal growth.

4.  Always know there is a Plan B.  I am a dreamer.  Dreams come true.  Dreams stay dreams.  When the dreams don’t come true, know there is another way or leave it as a dream.  Not all dreams come true.

5.  It is okay not to be spontaneous.  Spontaneity is fun and I will always be a spontaneous person.  BUT, I have learned that when I really think I have a brilliant idea I want to carry out NOW, it’s time to step back and give it 48 hours.  I have a team of people I trust that I consult with.  I get their thoughts which gives me a different perspective which allows me to make the right choice.

6.  Be thankful everyday.  After I think of all the people and ‘things’ in my life, I imagine all of those that are less fortunate than me.  Those that are lonely, abused, destitute, unloved, sick, dying and sad. I have met those living in such circumstances and they are thankful for what they have.  They have a ‘cup half full’ attitude.  I ask myself, what reason do I have to think my life is anything less than abundantly blessed?  What reason do I have to express less than a ‘cup half full’ attitude?

7.  Act on it.  What I have learned in my past ‘year’ is by delaying action on deadlines not only causes inconveniences for others but consequences for many levels of mine and my loved ones life.  I have learned in this ‘year’ that the stress I have caused over the years by choosing to delay the demands of life has been far more painful than acting on it right away.

8.  Move.  From 1992 to 2011 I have taken very good care of my body by moving.  Through various sports and activities I kept myself well and in good shape.  In this ‘year’ I have put that on hold.  I conjured up many excuses as to why it was okay not to keep the commitments I made to my body.  I am only blessed with one body.  I may think it feels good to sit around and relax after all of the stress is laid before me instead of moving but after a few years my body has sent me a very different message.  I am re-learning that if I move my face glows, I sleep better, my muscles ache from stressing them from movement, they become stronger, my thoughts flow easier, my mood is brighter, my motivations increases.

9.  Try to keep it simple.  Living in this day in age is so complex. I’m learning in this ‘year’ it’s okay to let go of what isn’t important.  It’s okay to do nothing.  It’s okay to not always be thinking about something.  It’s okay to turn off the radio in the car and have it silent.  It’s okay not to worry.

10.  Love.  Don’t let past experiences stop you from falling (in love) again.  It feels so good AND yes it hurts sometimes.  And some loves that are no longer will cause sadness to the end of time OR until you cross paths again.  Don’t hold grudges over past loves unless you are committed to change it, they don’t know you are.  It only takes up space in your mind and robs your energy.

11.  Own a hairy or furry pet that is not nocturnal.  I have always had dogs and cats in my life.  In February 2011 I had to leave my dog behind but took mine and my children’s 3 cats.  I thought that would be enough.  It was not the case.  In October 2012 we brought 8 week old Samson into our lives.  In May 2013 4 1/2 year old Belle became the newest addition to our Samoyed husky family.  With 4 cats & 2 dogs our home can be a hairy circus but the personalities and activities that entertain us every day keeps us laughing and counters the work involved.  I can feel the stress leave my body as I see their excited faces looking for me as I ascend the steps to enter through the door returning home.  As I walk into the house and see their ‘smiles’ I feel an overflow of joy swell up within me by their unconditional greetings.  As I pet or hug one of our pups any stress I have experienced melts.

This is my ‘year’ in summary.  These are the lessons I have learned.  I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  I open my arms to the events that will unfold and the lessons that will be re-enforced as well as the new ones I will learn.

Happy New Year and Cheers to you and yours, Tracy

Obvious

Image

Obvious

The tabby cat in the picture is Oscar. Yes, he is wearing a cast. He broke his leg in our basement shortly after we moved in to our new home last June. How? We have no clue. Young Oscar just wanted to be cuddled & cared for by our 12 year old Midge. How did Midge sense that Oscar needed some down time & snuggling to heal? Who knows. BUT…it is obvious to anyone looking at the picture that there is a cat with a cast. Something is wrong with him. Shortly after this photo op the cast fell off. For the cost of re-casting & the misery we caused him by doing so we decided to let him heal without it. He limped & hobbled around for several weeks, obvious he still had something painfully wrong with his leg. It was difficult to watch. Today you can not tell he broke his leg just a year ago. Does it hurt him still? Does it ache? Maybe. But as cats do, unless it is serious they can’t, won’t or don’t have the ability to communicate that. They act like all is normal. They keep to themselves & prove they can rebound from the impossible.

I hear time & time again the frustrations of people living with diabetes. Where is the cast, the seizure, the wheelchair, the appearance that tells those around them they have a chronic condition that somedays can make them feel like they’ve been hit by a bus? Aside from having a hypoglycemic seizure what are the obvious signs that one living with diabetes has had a series of highs or lows that have left them feeling like they want to be cuddled & cared for until they feel better? Words can only express the experiences one has. How can bystanders relate?

The frustration for many is to call into work or not go to school because they had 2 low BG’s in the night, woke up really high in the morning & just want to nap a few more hours to get the sugar back on track & clear the cobwebs out of their head. This is near impossible if one wants to continue to be a productive member of society….which is the expectation…because diabetes is not obvious. To the contrary, many living with diabetes attempt to hide it from others, compounding the exhaustion of managing it & recovering from the times of variability that come with it.

There are pros & cons living with a ‘not so obvious’ disease.

We hear about the cons all too much. Let’s focus on the good. Consider anyone living with diabetes that are in the spotlight & those that achieve many feats but have not gained the recognition. Examples which I encourage you to Google & research…Team Novo Nordisk (a team of cyclists competing in various events), Chris Jarvis (Olympic Rower & founder of iChallenge), Sebastien Sasseville (1st Canadian with T1 diabetes to summit Mount Everest, completed the Ultra Marathon Sahara race & 5 IronMan races to date), Chloe Steep (Founder of Connected In Motion), Steve Richert (Founder of Living Vertical), Kerri Morone Sparling (Six Until Me), Shawn Shepheard (Sugar Free Shawn), George Canyon (Country Music Artist), pilots, doctors, nurses, pro sport & not so pro athletes, trades, heavy equipment operators…these are just a few. There are so many it would seem like you are reading the Census in the book of Numbers in the Bible….but far more exciting!!

By living with a ‘not so obvious’ disease, people with diabetes accept that because we appear as ‘normal’ we want to supersede normal, we want to communicate that despite living with a not so obvious chronic condition we can & will accomplish whatever is put before us. We want to prove we are different in a good yet obvious way. Sometimes to the point of achieving near superhuman achievements.

Is that a good thing? I have heard time and time again from many..”I am thankful for my diabetes because I am healthier living with diabetes then if I didn’t.”

Many living with diabetes see themselves as healthier as those who don’t because they become more aware & pro-active in their health. Initially one with diabetes becomes healthier & begin to set goals beyond what they knew existed by no choice of their own but ultimately by the drive, strength & tenacity that become product as a result of the benefits they experience by living that way.

There is an obvious that surfaces by living with diabetes. That is the incredible accomplishments & outcomes that result in living with the not so obvious.

Pain: Motivator or Deterrent?

Image

Pain: Motivator or Deterrent?

We read this sign as we entered S-21, the prison where Pol-Pot & the Khmer Rouge imprisoned, tortured and killed about 1 – 3 million Cambodians, approximately 25% of the total population.

As I read the “Regulations” I try to imagine what would go through my mind if I were a prisoner. I see pictures of what they endured. I ask myself, would these rules motivate me to do what they say, not because I feared the punishment, but with the hope of living and someday escaping? Or would it deter me from abiding by these rules because I felt hopeless and defeated, feeling like I wouldn’t succeed anyway?

Although it may not seem to be life and death, there are many events that occur in our daily lives that should be considered in a similar fashion.

No, it doesn’t appear that we are in a situation where we will experience terrible electric shocks or hang by our hands with our arms behind our backs until we pass out. These things are inhumane and disturbing at best.

BUT, what will the end result be in trying to ignore the things in our life that should be a priority? It certainly is not as acute or terrifying as what the Cambodians experienced but keeping that top of mind we have to decide what motivates us and what deters us if we know the ultimate price may be painful.

Would you read the “Regulations”, whatever those may be in your life and agree that your motivation to stay within those boundaries are worth living a full, satisfying, healthy life? Or are you deterred by the outcomes you have experienced so far and feel hopeless and defeated?

I want to encourage you that no matter where you are in your diabetes management or that of the one you love, there is always a reason to stay motivated. Move past the pain and look forward to what you want in life.

I urge you to start day dreaming. If you need to step away from your situation to do this, go for a walk, sit in a park, go to the library or book store. Visualize the final outcome. Take a piece of paper and write a letter to yourself like you would another person you care very much about. Explain to yourself the pain you are experiencing, the struggles you are feeling. In detail, describe what you want for yourself. List the steps on how you are going to get there and the length of time, short and long term. When you are going to get there? Take an envelope with a stamp and address it to yourself. Drop it in the mailbox. In a few days when you get it, read it, store it somewhere safe where you can pull it out and refer to it and act on it.

I met a man at the S-21 Prison in Cambodia, one of the last survivors. He wrote a book about his experience. I sat down beside this man and wondered how he could be so strong after enduring so much. Here he was, an old man, smiling, sitting in the same place that caused him so much pain. In his hand was the book he wrote. I imagine how difficult it must’ve been for him to write it. Recalling not just the pain he endured, but hearing people screaming and begging for mercy as they too were tortured and killed. Why would he want to write a book, sit at the place that he should never want to see again? Even in his old age it was apparent to me that the pain he endured did not deter him from the motivation to live life and be heard.

How do you want to live your life and what do you want to say? What will motivate you through those moments of pain?