Keeping it Even

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Keeping it Even

As a parent do you worry about how being fair with your children?

What parent has not heard these phrases ring in their ears, “It’s not fair” or “You love him/her more than me” or “But you let/paid for/told/ agreed that ________________could so why can’t I?”.

It is difficult to learn what is ‘fair’ or how to keep it ‘even’, for that matter, if we should.

Not only am I speaking of rules, decisions, result, how many gifts, how much to spend for Christmas, Birthdays and the multitude of special events throughout the year, failing or passing grades. I think of all these things that I am mentioning and I will say that quality time is the one that is and has been a concern for me.

Why?

The attention required in a family with a child living with Type 1 diabetes is quite demanding. Add to that, the attempt to keep the balance ‘normal’ with their siblings.

I have written a few Blogs about my son Kurtis given that Diabetes Beyond Borders intention is to write about life living with diabetes.

Pictured in this blog is my 21-year-old daughter Cayla at her graduation from Sound Engineering. She has also lived with diabetes. Her life involves looking in from the outside and living with the demands it has on our family.

Cayla is the first person that will email me a link to pictures, articles and studies related to Type 1 diabetes. She has been an impetus for some of the writings I have posted.

I have felt guilt over the years as she saw her brother unresponsive and rushed to the hospital by ambulance from a severe low. She has watched her Mom being carried out of the bedroom with a severe low on the morning of her 5th Birthday. She could write a book of all the events she has experienced living with diabetes. Events and situations I hoped I could protect her from but eventually accepted I could not. She has been a part of it all as much as her brother and I have.

I tried my best to protect her. Give her what she required as a child living with her Mom and brother having diabetes. I tried to keep it even when it came to parenting despite it all. Upon reflection, I don’t think it was the balance I realistically dreamed achieving but I think I did okay.

In the past two summers Cayla has experienced episodes of low blood sugars. It concerns me. During one event, by the time I was able to test her, she was 3.2 mmol/L. She had just eaten. That worries me.

With that being said, all we can do is wait and watch. She is well-educated to the signs and symptoms of the onset of diabetes. She is miles away from me in Northern British Columbia now, but I am confident in the facts with her experiences so far and her education, that she is aware, intuitive and pro active in whatever comes her way. I am happy for her that she can take a break from living with diabetes. I pray that she continues to have that.

I am a Mom living with diabetes, I have 2 children that live with diabetes as well.

“Are U Happy Having Diabetes?” – Facebook fan on Diabetes Beyond Borders page

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I was asked today by a Diabetes Beyond Borders Facebook fan if I was happy having diabetes. He then commented later he hated it.

The word ‘happy’ would not be the word to describe how I feel about living with diabetes.

How I see it is, I don’t have a choice with what I’ve been given.

I do see I am fortunate to have been diagnosed at age 5…I don’t recall not living with it. That makes it much easier to accept.

I could ‘hate’ it given my 19 year old son lives with it as well for the past 12 years. I could be bitter & angry but what purpose does that serve me & those that are in my life?

I have been given a gift to educate, motivate & write about my life with diabetes. It helps me deal with the feelings I have sometimes of being tired and overwhelmed with the constant demands of the disease. It makes me happy and I absolutely love that I can take my diabetes, the education and experiences I have to help, support and learn from others living with it too.

Throughout my childhood and teen years, my Mom taught me that I can let diabetes control me or I can control it.

I choose the latter.

Reaching Target and Realizations

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Reaching Target and Realizations

Further to my post yesterday, I met with my Diabetes Specialist today.

Albeit, I was still a little nervous. Not as much as yesterday. My “Too Funny” (see yesterdays Blog) moment helped alleviate the intensity. As I am sure you have experienced, the unknown can cause the mind to create various role plays. “If the Doctor asks this, I will say this.” “If he reacts this way to my answer, I will respond this way.”

After my “Too Funny” moment I asked myself, why am I aggressively role playing my visits?

The answers I came up with:

1. About 2 years ago I was asked by my Endocrinologist to take meds to lower my lipids & prophylactic kidney protecting meds. I reluctantly agreed although I did not see the reason. My ratio is incredible. My HDL is amazing. My kidneys are perfect. I decided about 8 months ago to stop my meds. I decided this based on 2 reasons:

First, my LDL (bad lipids) were still creeping up. Why should I keep taking a pill that was not doing it’s job?

Second, I met with my hormone specialist that deals with the bio identical hormones that I take. He convinced me that I didn’t need my lipid lowering agent. In his assessment of the medications that I took, he indicated that the lipid lowering agents would cause an increase in my bad lipids as opposed to decreasing them as they should have. He claims it was a plot by the pharmaceutical companies to amplify the symptoms so the pharmaceutical companies could sell more of the treatment. He claimed there was a better therapy that was natural & clinically worthy of taking…Astaxathanin.

I am all for ‘natural’ remedies, i.e.: therapy via food, herbs & vitamins. I believe in taking natures remedies before I will pop a pill made by the ‘powers that be’. I visit my local health food store frequently. I decided to become a one person clinical study. There is obviously no clinical significance but worthy of trying to see if it provided benefit to me. The last visit with my Endo 6 months ago showed it was going down, so I fibbed when he asked if I was compliant with my meds. I told him I was taking them off & on. I felt SO guilty! I wasn’t taking them at all but I respected him so much, I didn’t want to disappoint him. By habit, I am not a liar. As far as my diabetes goes, I am very concerned with the long term results and want to take the best course of action. With that being said, what were the implications of taking something that, up to this point, I had not seen any improvements but had a risk of side effects versus taking something that has no side effects but clinically provided signs of improvement.

2. I have always been guilty of too many low blood sugars. If I was to pick a high or low, I would pick a low. Not because it felt better, in no way did it feel better. I mean, come on, does a high or low blood sugar feel better or worse? They’re just different. I preferred them because I knew I didn’t risk complications. Frequent low blood sugars happen because I am so keen on running my sugars tight to target that I have increased the risk of lows. Also, until the past few years, I have been extremely active which have produced a lot of extra lows. I have noticed that as I get older, having low sugars is becoming very taxing. In the past 2 years my Diabetes Specialist has reinforced to me how hard these low sugars are on me (I’m feeling it!) & if they are in collaboration with a low A1C, they are not optimal. Also, I am alone throughout the night quite often. He reassured me it’s okay to run a little higher (above 6.2 – 6.4%) without the lows if it meant giving up the lows with the near normal tight control I was trying to achieve to feel good & stay safe through the night. Lows are not on purpose. They are caused because of being busy, being too active, taking too much insulin or not paying attention. In the past few years due to a lot of changes and stress in my life, I have been guilty of not paying as much attention to the fine details of my diabetes to achieve this goal.

3. In the past, a prominent Toronto Diabetes Specialist told me that due to the fact I have lived so long without complications with diabetes, I would never have any complications even if I ran higher than guidelines. I was told that my ‘success’ was purely genetic. I was excited by this but I didn’t decide to ‘screw it’ or decide that I was invincible. I’m still so afraid of complications. 38 years in, what guarantees do I have? I get nervous because I’m afraid one day he will assess my blood work, urinalysis, blood pressure or one of a number of tests and tell me I have a complication regardless of my choice for tight control.

The results of todays visit:

1. I am back on my lipid lowering agent based as my LDL has continued to increase. My one person clinical study failed.

2. I am a 10+ on a scale out of 10 on measuring stress. This will be for a few months more yet. The goal is to try to deal with it as best I can so I can manage my diabetes effectively. Cortisol & stress are a detriment to my well being with my general being, paired with living well with a chronic disease.

3. When I can afford it, I will wear a continuous glucose sensor to keep my blood sugars in check.

4. I will have fasting blood work done in 3 months to measure if the lipid lowering agents are working to decrease the LDL.

5. I will have random blood work done in 6 months & see my Endo again to see how my A1C is.

Today my A1C is 6.6. I am happy with today.