A New Year, A Lifetime of Change

January 1, 2011 was the beginning of a New Year.  I did not realize that my ‘year’ would last three.

Today is January 1, 2014.  It is traditionally the beginning of a New Year.

Thoughts, discussions, intentions and commitments for change shared. Summaries spoken and written of the year gone by.  Sentiments of regret and thankfulness for the past year or for the start of a new one expressed.

The thought of taking one year out of my life, summarizing it as a huge event and determining what the sentiments of regrets and/or what I am thankful for seems like such a small measurement of time in the 44 years I have been on this earth.  My ‘year’ is defined as a stage as opposed to a calendar year.

My last ‘year’ began in 2011.  Many events and themes which I did not want and which I thought would never happen occurred.  These events and themes have been on the front lines of my life since 2011.

My Mom and Dad gave me this coffee cup for Christmas.  When I opened it I fell in love.  It will be my ‘go to’ cup for my new ‘year’ because since I was a little girl it is who I am.

In my ‘year’ I have experienced death of a marriage, loss of a six figure income job, multiple, costly court hearings, moving 3 times, unemployed with no income for 2 years, major illness, major surgery, a sick parent, new love, the purchase of 3 houses, selling 2 houses, new job, managing a rental property, becoming engaged, living with my fiancé, moving my daughter twice back and forth to Toronto, my daughter living out of province in a remote area that provided little communication for 8 months, my son’s up’s and down’s as 20 year olds do, ‘adopting’ another son, on-line harassment for the past 2 years by my fiancé’s ex, commuting 2 hours a day, acquiring a puppy and a 4-year-old kennel dog and finally, living with Type 1 diabetes for 38 years and being a Mom of a young adult living with Type 1 diabetes.

In my ‘year’ I cried, I cursed, I have been so angry and so sad that I said things to people I didn’t mean and regret.  I made decisions that I regret.  I beat myself up daily and wish I could say and do differently in certain situations.

Why do I write this and open myself to you?  I do believe that I need to share my experiences to help others.  I have decided this is the end of this ‘year’ of events.  I want to move on.  It’s time for a new stage in my life.

Even though I feel it is time to start a new year and celebrate this, based on the events and experiences of the past 3 years I have learned some very important lessons.

1.  Change is inevitable.  Despite posts and quotes online about the fact one CAN control their life and think themselves into the perfect life, I don’t.  I can plan all I want but my plans are not God’s.  That is different then having a cup half full attitude.

2.  Acceptance creates change.  Acceptance of what I can’t control allows for freedom to focus on what’s important and what I can change.

3.  Let go, selectively.  In my life, I have experienced 3 lives.  My childhood, my first marriage with my children as a family and my current life with my fiancé Steve and blended family.  Advice is abounding, telling us that if one doesn’t let go of the past and move forward then one will never grow.  I refuse to ‘forget’ my past and ‘move forward’.  If I did that I would be letting go of the experiences my children and I have had that are important to us, good and bad.  My past has made me and my children who we are today.  When I dwell on a moment and it creates an emotion, I have learned that it is time to decide why I am dwelling on it.  What is the lesson?  How can I use that moment for my present life?  I believe past and present are a marriage which promotes personal growth.

4.  Always know there is a Plan B.  I am a dreamer.  Dreams come true.  Dreams stay dreams.  When the dreams don’t come true, know there is another way or leave it as a dream.  Not all dreams come true.

5.  It is okay not to be spontaneous.  Spontaneity is fun and I will always be a spontaneous person.  BUT, I have learned that when I really think I have a brilliant idea I want to carry out NOW, it’s time to step back and give it 48 hours.  I have a team of people I trust that I consult with.  I get their thoughts which gives me a different perspective which allows me to make the right choice.

6.  Be thankful everyday.  After I think of all the people and ‘things’ in my life, I imagine all of those that are less fortunate than me.  Those that are lonely, abused, destitute, unloved, sick, dying and sad. I have met those living in such circumstances and they are thankful for what they have.  They have a ‘cup half full’ attitude.  I ask myself, what reason do I have to think my life is anything less than abundantly blessed?  What reason do I have to express less than a ‘cup half full’ attitude?

7.  Act on it.  What I have learned in my past ‘year’ is by delaying action on deadlines not only causes inconveniences for others but consequences for many levels of mine and my loved ones life.  I have learned in this ‘year’ that the stress I have caused over the years by choosing to delay the demands of life has been far more painful than acting on it right away.

8.  Move.  From 1992 to 2011 I have taken very good care of my body by moving.  Through various sports and activities I kept myself well and in good shape.  In this ‘year’ I have put that on hold.  I conjured up many excuses as to why it was okay not to keep the commitments I made to my body.  I am only blessed with one body.  I may think it feels good to sit around and relax after all of the stress is laid before me instead of moving but after a few years my body has sent me a very different message.  I am re-learning that if I move my face glows, I sleep better, my muscles ache from stressing them from movement, they become stronger, my thoughts flow easier, my mood is brighter, my motivations increases.

9.  Try to keep it simple.  Living in this day in age is so complex. I’m learning in this ‘year’ it’s okay to let go of what isn’t important.  It’s okay to do nothing.  It’s okay to not always be thinking about something.  It’s okay to turn off the radio in the car and have it silent.  It’s okay not to worry.

10.  Love.  Don’t let past experiences stop you from falling (in love) again.  It feels so good AND yes it hurts sometimes.  And some loves that are no longer will cause sadness to the end of time OR until you cross paths again.  Don’t hold grudges over past loves unless you are committed to change it, they don’t know you are.  It only takes up space in your mind and robs your energy.

11.  Own a hairy or furry pet that is not nocturnal.  I have always had dogs and cats in my life.  In February 2011 I had to leave my dog behind but took mine and my children’s 3 cats.  I thought that would be enough.  It was not the case.  In October 2012 we brought 8 week old Samson into our lives.  In May 2013 4 1/2 year old Belle became the newest addition to our Samoyed husky family.  With 4 cats & 2 dogs our home can be a hairy circus but the personalities and activities that entertain us every day keeps us laughing and counters the work involved.  I can feel the stress leave my body as I see their excited faces looking for me as I ascend the steps to enter through the door returning home.  As I walk into the house and see their ‘smiles’ I feel an overflow of joy swell up within me by their unconditional greetings.  As I pet or hug one of our pups any stress I have experienced melts.

This is my ‘year’ in summary.  These are the lessons I have learned.  I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  I open my arms to the events that will unfold and the lessons that will be re-enforced as well as the new ones I will learn.

Happy New Year and Cheers to you and yours, Tracy

Keeping it Even

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Keeping it Even

As a parent do you worry about how being fair with your children?

What parent has not heard these phrases ring in their ears, “It’s not fair” or “You love him/her more than me” or “But you let/paid for/told/ agreed that ________________could so why can’t I?”.

It is difficult to learn what is ‘fair’ or how to keep it ‘even’, for that matter, if we should.

Not only am I speaking of rules, decisions, result, how many gifts, how much to spend for Christmas, Birthdays and the multitude of special events throughout the year, failing or passing grades. I think of all these things that I am mentioning and I will say that quality time is the one that is and has been a concern for me.

Why?

The attention required in a family with a child living with Type 1 diabetes is quite demanding. Add to that, the attempt to keep the balance ‘normal’ with their siblings.

I have written a few Blogs about my son Kurtis given that Diabetes Beyond Borders intention is to write about life living with diabetes.

Pictured in this blog is my 21-year-old daughter Cayla at her graduation from Sound Engineering. She has also lived with diabetes. Her life involves looking in from the outside and living with the demands it has on our family.

Cayla is the first person that will email me a link to pictures, articles and studies related to Type 1 diabetes. She has been an impetus for some of the writings I have posted.

I have felt guilt over the years as she saw her brother unresponsive and rushed to the hospital by ambulance from a severe low. She has watched her Mom being carried out of the bedroom with a severe low on the morning of her 5th Birthday. She could write a book of all the events she has experienced living with diabetes. Events and situations I hoped I could protect her from but eventually accepted I could not. She has been a part of it all as much as her brother and I have.

I tried my best to protect her. Give her what she required as a child living with her Mom and brother having diabetes. I tried to keep it even when it came to parenting despite it all. Upon reflection, I don’t think it was the balance I realistically dreamed achieving but I think I did okay.

In the past two summers Cayla has experienced episodes of low blood sugars. It concerns me. During one event, by the time I was able to test her, she was 3.2 mmol/L. She had just eaten. That worries me.

With that being said, all we can do is wait and watch. She is well-educated to the signs and symptoms of the onset of diabetes. She is miles away from me in Northern British Columbia now, but I am confident in the facts with her experiences so far and her education, that she is aware, intuitive and pro active in whatever comes her way. I am happy for her that she can take a break from living with diabetes. I pray that she continues to have that.

I am a Mom living with diabetes, I have 2 children that live with diabetes as well.

“Are U Happy Having Diabetes?” – Facebook fan on Diabetes Beyond Borders page

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I was asked today by a Diabetes Beyond Borders Facebook fan if I was happy having diabetes. He then commented later he hated it.

The word ‘happy’ would not be the word to describe how I feel about living with diabetes.

How I see it is, I don’t have a choice with what I’ve been given.

I do see I am fortunate to have been diagnosed at age 5…I don’t recall not living with it. That makes it much easier to accept.

I could ‘hate’ it given my 19 year old son lives with it as well for the past 12 years. I could be bitter & angry but what purpose does that serve me & those that are in my life?

I have been given a gift to educate, motivate & write about my life with diabetes. It helps me deal with the feelings I have sometimes of being tired and overwhelmed with the constant demands of the disease. It makes me happy and I absolutely love that I can take my diabetes, the education and experiences I have to help, support and learn from others living with it too.

Throughout my childhood and teen years, my Mom taught me that I can let diabetes control me or I can control it.

I choose the latter.