Full Circle

“No matter the deviation, all things come full circle. You begin and end your journey in the same place, but with a different set of eyes.” – Abram (Jennifer DeLucy, Seers of Light (Light, #1))

This time last year we were in the midst of a ferocious battle of closing what should have become our dream home.

We began to plan our dream wedding. Live the dream life.  On the lake. With a picture perfect view.

Our plans all laid out. Exactly how WE wanted.

It was made known to us very quickly in 2014 that this was not the plan God had in store for us. No matter how hard we tried.

In February 2014 I feel fear, failure and intense anxiety as one of the last times I pull into the one kilometre lane that is to take us to our dream home. It is dusk. Darkness ensuing. It feels like our world is crumbling before us.

As I pull in the lane, I see in the distance my husband sitting in a Bobcat. Uncovered. Temperatures hovering in the -30C with windchill. The wind bites my cheeks. It sends a chill through me as I walk down the lane to summate if my husband will be able to have the snow filled, long lane cleared to the standards needed for the mortgage inspector the next day.

It doesn’t look good. It looks grim. I feel a wave of hopelessness.

I ask Steve into the car to warm up. He is covered in frost and snow.

I ask him. “How bad do you want this?”

He gives me a flicker of hope. He thinks he can have it done.

He wants this. So do I. We’ve come too far.  We have entered into a committed agreement we will not fail at.

There are these beautiful pictures we have drawn in our minds and on paper over the past 3 months of how this will turn out.  It has to be that way. No exception.

We kiss good bye. I ask him to keep me up to date. I drive home with the dogs in tow.

4:00 a.m. the next morning I wake with a jolt. I roll over. I reach for him. He is not there. Is he OKAY??  What has happened?

I text him. I call. We finally connect. The news is not good.

Throughout the night the snow continues to blow across the lane. With the darkness of the night it is hard for Steve to tell how far he has progressed.

As the sun breaks the horizon he is in shock. He is no where near completion. He calls on a dear friend for help. When all is said and done, the lane is cleared in time for the inspector.

Once again we believe the end is near.  Our dream will finally come true.

Within a few weeks we will begin the renovations and transition to our dream home.

Fast forward to a few weeks later.

It is Thursday, March 6, 2014. I am at the Diabetes Education Centre until 9:00 pm where I work as a Registered Nurse.

The whole reason we found our dream home. The only reason why we plan on leaving our hometown.

In the past week a series of events (which I cannot share due to legal agreements) have occurred in which I’ve been waiting for a phone call telling me that despite a series of unfortunate circumstances beyond our control, we will finally close what will be the home of our dreams.  Our resting place.

My cell phone rings. It is our Real Estate Agent. The tone of his voice does not give me hope that all is good. He apologizes. He is so sorry. He is informed that our dream home has been sold to someone else. The selling of our dream home is beyond our control and there is nothing we can do.  We have a sense of the wrong doings of human beings that have caused this BUT there is nothing we can do to get our dream home back.

I sob uncontrollably. Our house is sold. Our dream home is gone. Our wedding plans no longer.

I am in shock.

But I’m not.  There has been this whisper for sometime telling me this wasn’t going to end up the way we planned.

Going back to that cold, hopeless night at the lane something or more appropriately Someone was shaking His head. I could sense it.

I suspect He was saying to Himself:

“How many roadblocks do I have to put up before they realize this is not part of My plan for them?”

The next step was to call Steve. I have to tell him we lost ‘the Cottage’.

We need to find a home now. A home we didn’t think we would have to look or settle for.

We have three months to come up with an answer whether we purchase or rent. Our current home is piled high with boxes.  It has been for two months.  The thought of living out of boxes for three more months seems overwhelming and unbearable.

The next most important discussion we have after shifting gears is how committed are we to my career at the Diabetes Education Centre. It is becoming evident the two hour daily commute is taking a toll on my heath.  The past year has been the most sick I have been in several years.  The stress of the drive and long days does not pair well with my diabetes.

As equally important which marries with our career discussions is; what direction are we heading with Steve’s business “VERGEbuilders”. Steve’s business is growing fast on the commercial and residential side. As the year rolls on so does the work, resulting in hiring more employees.  We did not anticipate the speed of growth.  With that we have to decide where our residence best supports his business.  We see this as critical.

At the end of a series of conversations we decide it is best to stay in our home town. We feel that is where we belong. It is hard for us to imagine moving out of the area we called home since our childhood.  This is also where 2 of our 3 children live for the time being.

It isn’t a simple decision. But, at that point we know my career at the Diabetes Centre will not be long term. We don’t know what, when or how but we are hopeful another opportunity will eventually present itself. We create a long term deadline for my current career with a ‘plan’.  In the meantime, I will continue to commute.

This is our plan.

Little did we know we don’t need to make any plans. It is already in the works.

We begin our search for a new home.  Nothing clicks.  We feel defeat & frustration. Fortunately, the purchasers of our current home agree to extend closing by two more months.

In the meantime we begin to discuss wedding options. The caterer and photographer are booked for our dream wedding in July at our dream home we no longer have. It is another dig at the wounds of losing our dream home as I cancel them.

When we originally discussed wedding plans, all I could envision is Steve and I on the beach together. I could picture the dress, the sandals, the peace, the simplicity of it all.

As time goes by, I ignore what I really want. I begin to sacrifice what I always imagine in order to accommodate to my thought of how happy others will be taking part in sharing our vows. My compromise is getting married on the lake at our dream home.

As we cross paths with our family and friends we hear comments…”Are you guys married yet?” “When are you guys getting married?”

We want to get married but not to ‘just get married’. We want it to be the right time at the right place. We also agree we won’t do it to please others. It has to be for us. Isn’t that why two people come together in matrimony?

As we search with painful disbelief for the perfect abode we discuss the options for the perfect time and place to legally become husband and wife.

It circles back to a beach far away.  Just the two of us.  Simple.

This decision seems the easiest to make among all the others before us. We decide to announce our intentions.  Of course the ones we love give us their blessings and support.

April 2014…we spend the day with our Real Estate Agent again. We look at houses. Nothing feels right. It just doesn’t feel like home. I’m sure mostly because I’m bitter and still in disbelief.

The last house we look at is a newly built home in a subdivision development. Despite it being bright & open, the rooms are too small, the choice of decor is not what I would choose for our home. It triggers a curiosity within me that leads me to ask our Agent if we can view the model home to see what other options are available.

We arrive at the model home. We tour through it. I love it. I can picture us living in a home like this.  It has big windows, an open concept and we can reconfigure it to accommodate to our needs.  The only con is the 40 foot lot.  With all the benefits it has and where it is located, the small lot in the city I can live with.

We talk with the Builder’s Sales Rep. There is only 1 lot left. There are others preparing to put a deposit down. We go home and grab the cheque book. The lot is ours.  The Sales Rep is surprised at our timing.  There were no other opportunities available for quite some time that suits our needs.

Both Steve and I have built before. I throughly enjoy the process. For Steve the process itself is a means to an end.

Knowing our current home and the closing of our new home will not coincide, I begin the search for a short term rental property that will accept our fur babies. It is no easy feat. No one wants short term tenants or fur babies.

In desperation I place an ad on Kijiji. I search on line every night.  A few months go by. Then, one day I receive an email. It is a response to my search. We arrange to meet. As we finish introductions, the owner informs us we will probably not get the rental as he has people viewing the property who are interested in long term. We take a deep breathe, quickly look through the main floor of the tiny bungalow. If we can get it, it will work just fine. I am thankful the kitchen is huge compared to our current home.  I have a tinge of excitement at this.  We are told we will be notified either way in two days.  Just the thought of being told we won’t get the rental seems to be too much right now.

Less than 12 hours later, my phone rings. It is the owner. The rental is ours!  What a break!

In the meantime we decide to get married on a beach. Just the two of us. We begin to plan. It feels good to not have the burden of guest lists, decorations and agendas. We keep it simple by booking with an on line wedding agency. We decide to get married on Magen’s Bay Beach in St Thomas in May.

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Despite all that happened in such a short period of time and the about face we have made with major life plans, we feel like everything is going to be ok.  The day of our wedding is so perfect it seems nothing can take us down.

Throughout these changes and plans, we decide it best for me to start researching alternate career plans. With Steve’s business we decide it a consideration for me to look into a career in Real Estate. I have felt for some time I need to take a break from the world of diabetes (minus my own and my sons) and the daily two hour drive.  This past winter road conditions were too much.

I consult with our Real Estate Agent to gain some insight as to whether this career choice will be a good fit.  As I make my way home from work I discuss the pros and cons with him.

Then, another change in plans we are not part of.

I arrive home that same evening I am on the phone with our Real Estate Agent. I hear an email come in on my phone. I open it. It’s from an old colleague who is a Sales Rep for Bayer. We occasionally partnered when I worked for Medtronic as a Territory Manager. It has been about 1 1/2 years since we have been in contact. It was at that time I went through an interview process with Bayer. In the end, after four interviews it was between me and one other person. They chose to hire the other person.

In my Colleagues email she introduces the fact the person that was chosen over me that previously represented the territory which is small and close to home resigned. She asks if I’d be interested in applying for the position once again.  It is Medical Sales in the Diabetes Division.

I give Steve a brief summary of the conversation I had earlier in the evening with our Real Estate Agent.

All of a sudden we have two career opportunities presented in one day that permit me to shorten my commute time and balance my personal and work life.

We decide that the pros of going back into Medical sales is way too good of an opportunity to pass up. I keep trying to escape from the professional world of diabetes but I see it is also not part of the plan for me.  I apply and am subsequently offered the position.  My role as an Diabetes Educator to Health Care Professionals seems to be a big part of the plan in my life.

In a matter of a few weeks in May, I am offered a new job, I resign from my position as a Diabetes Educator, we begin the process of building a home and we fly off to the Carribean to be married.

We return from our wedding/honeymoon starting my new job.

It all sounds like it’s coming full circle, doesn’t it?

Well, almost.

In all of these plans that have came before us there comes another ‘glitch’.

With my new career comes a probation period. My probation will not end before we need to close the house. It will impact the type of mortgage and down payment required.

I stress over how to get around this. I approach the sales rep for the Builder. I ask if we can extend the closing. It has been extended three times already by the Builder. We are only one month difference between closing and my probation ending. No deal. The closing date will stay as is.

I throw my hands in the air. Once again I have no control. I have to pray and trust that what will be, will be. I put an alert out to our families. We need a lot of prayer that somehow the closing date will be extended.

Two weeks prior to the closing date a miracle happens. I can’t disclose the events which unfold due to a waiver I signed with the Builder. What I can say is despite the stress of what occurs next, which in the very moment of realization feels like another broken shoelace, comes the answer to our prayers.  It takes a few months for me to understand this is in fact an answer to prayer.  In the first 4-5 weeks it looks like our world has fallen apart again.  So much so we begin to look at options of where to live.

As a result of these circumstances our closing date is extended two weeks past the end of my probation.

Amongst all of this we also experience a dramatic shift in two of our children’s lives. One moving to Edmonton, Alberta and one to Wellington, New Zealand.

So here it is, after all is said and done. In 2014 there are many major deviations in our plans. Most times we can’t make sense of why.

The stress, sadness and changes are unbearable at times.

Regardless of the changes of events from our original plans at the end of 2013 and into the beginning of 2014, the outcomes stay pretty much the same.

We are married. I began a new career, shortening my commute time. In a few days we will take possession of our beautiful home in our hometown. Steve’s business is flourishing.

Besides the plans, how did our view of these events occurring in 2014 change our point of view?

1.  Our faith.  God has the right plans for us.

2.  Our acceptance that we do not have the control in our lives we think we do.

3.  We don’t always have our own best interest at heart even though we may think we do.

4.  Understanding. When a situation occurs, the outcome will be what is meant to be even if we don’t see it yet.

5.  To see that in the end of every journey, every circumstance, big or small, there is a lesson that will help us see with a much needed different set of eyes.

To bid 2014 adieu, we stand in the Andes Mountains at an elevation of 15,100 feet.

I try to absorb the grandiosity of what my eyes see and the complexity of what happened in 2014.  In these moments I try to realize that I will always have the ground under my feet, the sky above me, water abounding, food on my table, a roof over my head and people that love me.

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Here’s to seeing 2015 with a new set of eyes and having the faith to allow the plans that are in the works for this year be according to His will, not mine.

Gobbling It Up

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I was very guilty of this for many, many years.

Pursued & got the 6 figure job. I worked long, exhausting hours running an extremely successful career all while raising 2 amazing kids.

I thought my career & being the ‘perfect’ Mom would fill the void of what I was really looking for. I also thought building a dream home would make everything okay.

I knew why I did it, but couldn’t put it into words or stop the search. I didn’t stop ‘gobbling’ up until the past few years.

It took a lot of choice, non-choice & learning to accept all the ‘things’ I lost to put what mattered into perspective.

In the end finally finding a love that accepted me for who I was without having to prove myself ultimately stopped that seemingly endless search.

It’s an amazing release from something you are always looking for but can never find satisfaction.

Not that I don’t get sucked into it once in a while & have to step back & say to myself ‘whoa!!’…but I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I won’t ‘gobble up’ like I did. My search is over.

“We’ve got a sort of brainwashing going on in our country, Morrie sighed. Do you know how they brainwash people? They repeat something over and over. And that’s what we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good. More is good. More is good. We repeat it–and have it repeated to us–over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all of this, he has no perspective on what’s really important anymore.

Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. ‘Guess what I got? Guess what I got?’

You know how I interpreted that? These were people so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and expecting a sort of hug back. But it never works. You can’t substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship.

Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness. I can tell you, as I’m sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you’re looking for, no matter how much of them you have.” ― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

Will you Be My __________???

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Will you Be My __________???

I am not a marriage counsellor by any means but this is my lesson to all of those that think 1 day is a make or break of their relationship.

Isn’t that we have been made to believe?

As long as I can remember I believed Valentine’s Day was a make or break for love. I don’t even know where that belief came from. Do you?

It conveys there is only 1 day in the year that opens up the opportunity to tell your ‘Valentine’ & show them through a date or a dinner how much you love them.

In conversation leading up to Valentines day 2 years ago, Steve tells me he feels that ‘it’s just a day’ that commercialism has promoted to make money. I argue the point. I say it is the one opportunity in the year to highlight our love for each other. He justifies his belief the Valentines day of that year by coming home from work with nothing. In the days preceding I had thoughtfully bought him a well versed card and 2 dress shirts, ironically for him to wear for our weekly date nights. I am so disappointed in his dismissive attitude to the ‘special day’ that I convey anger to him as best I have in me. I have to go out on an errand and out the door I go. When I come back I come home to a beautiful display of roses in a gorgeous red vase and chocolate hearts spelled out “I LOVE YOU” on my pillow of our bed.

I am touched. So much so I take a picture. I shed a tear. I have a selfish, emotional “hey it’s all about me” moment. I don’t understand then what I did or the action that occurred are forced out of my expectations not a spontaneous moment we created together to display our love for each other.

So this year I dedicate this Blog to Steve.

The actions, dinners, conversations, selfless acts, starting my car to warm up every winter morning, making my coffee every day, filling my water bottles, words, song lyrics, music you play just for me and other messages you convey throughout the year have shown me how much you love me. If I had to wait until one special day in the year to force your hand at showing or telling me you love me but I was not witness to it the rest of the year, I would be more upset then you showing up empty handed with a lyrics, poem or sayings created by someone else on February 14th. The day this happens will cause me great concern.

Thank you for teaching me this. xo Tracy

So What?!?

 

I have lived with Type 1 diabetes since the Fall of 1975.

I have been a parent of a child with Type 1 diabetes since October 2000.

I have mixed long and short acting insulin and injected myself with insulin using a vial & syringe for the majority of the time 22,630 times.

In a series of partially memorable events at the age of 16 and after many hours later in the hospital as a result of a seizure overnight from a severe low blood sugar, I recall waking up laying in my own vomit as a result of seizure.

I have inserted 624 insulin pump infusion sites into my body.

I have mixed long and short acting insulin injected Kurtis with a vial & syringe & insulin pens 4,380 times.

I have inserted 312 insulin pump infusion sites into Kurtis.

I have done 4,380 urine tests for sugar & ketones using keto-diastix.

I have done 45,990 finger pokes to test my blood sugar on a glucose meter.

I oversaw or did 17,520 finger pokes to or with Kurtis to test his sugar.

I have been carried out of the bedroom in the morning from severe low blood sugar twice.

I have stumbled out of my bedroom and managed to get to rapid acting sugar during a major low approximately 10 times with a number of times in front of my toddlers and young children.

I have lovingly carried two pregnancies with anxiety and anticipation as well as long term hospitalization resulting in 2 babies, one unhealthy as a result of my diabetes among other things and one as a result of learning from the first, winding up healthy.  Healthy and living their lives as young adults I am proud of them and what I accomplished to bring them into this world.

I have injected Glucagon into Kurtis and call 911 once when he was 13.

I really can’t say how it came to be except by my drive and determination but I have passionately pursued my career into the world of diabetes since the day Kurtis was diagnosed.

The climb has been challenging at best.  The balance difficult to achieve.  The ripe apples looked achievable & fairly easy to achieve despite it all.  But once the apples fell, looking up at the apple tree to acquire the ripe ones beyond reach appeared to be a lot of work and often times too much work.

The point?  Look past the overwhelming information.  After you stop shaking the tree and the ripe apples have fallen, take a moment.  Don’t worry about the apples that haven’t fallen.  Look underneath each leaf.  What do you see?

 

Reassurances

I am dedicating this to my friend Dee who has concerns that she will develop the mindset of an ‘old Diabetic’.  This mindset consists of being scared to death that having short-term high blood sugars will cause amputation, heart disease, kidney disease and stroke.

As a result of these fears, in the past many ‘old Diabetics’ learned to avoid high blood sugars, purposely running very tight sugars on old insulin such as Lente®, Humulin® L, NPH, Humulin® N, Toronto® and Humulin® R.  As a result the experiences of multiple moderate to severe low blood sugars occurred daily and weekly.  ‘Old Diabetics’ were not taught the mindset that a severe low could kill them or cause damage as well.  I know this all to well because I am one of ‘those’ ‘old Diabetics’.  Sadly, today many still live life like this despite the new technologies and choices we have to manage our diabetes.

I am not supporting anything more than the targets set for you or the A1C you need to achieve to attain a healthy life, but I do believe achieving these go beyond numbers and are associated with the mindset of getting there.

Whether you are an ‘old Diabetic’ or not, being diagnosed and living with diabetes can be empowering AND daunting.  You change your lifestyle to live healthier, a big bonus!  After feeling good about your accomplishments you suddenly experience a setback.  So frustrating!

Do you recall this picture?  Do you see an old hag or a young woman?  Can you change your perception of what you initially see?  It is so hard!

Old hag or young woman

 

It is the same with our diabetes.  What do we see when we look at our lives with diabetes?  How do we change our perception?

Reassurances

Is this picture of a lane a challenge that may be snowy and slippery leading to the unknown, possibly a struggle to walk back up, heart beating fast, muscles burning?  Oh the worry over what could be a beautiful journey if the perception is changed.  Or do you see the pleasure of an enjoyable walk with relaxing views including a beautiful winter blue sky in the horizon?  Do you see it?

How can I reassure you that you can manage your diabetes and avoid the things you fear?  Honestly, I can’t.

What I can reassure you is; YOU are not bad.  You are you as a person first who lives with a chronic disease called diabetes.  Don’t connect the two as to who you are and your accomplishments as a person.

You are not your sugars.  You are not your diabetes.  When I hear the statement “I’ve been bad.”, the next words out of my mouth are; “Hey, do you have diabetes???”.  We both laugh and I say, “That’s why you have high and low blood sugars!, HEY, You have diabetes!!”

So how can I reassure you?  I have changed my view of being an ‘old Diabetic’.

I see the picture differently now.  Do you know why?  Living with diabetes isn’t just about me.  What I understand now is that if I choose to not ‘play the game’.  If I choose to not adhere to the rules, if I choose to keep my perspective as an ‘old Diabetic’ and not learn a new perspective, I am not the only one I am hurting.

Who saves me or helps when I decide to run too tight and too low?  Who is SO scared that they may lose me because I was afraid of a short term high or got crazy keeping my sugars too tight?  It’s not me!

Reassurances

ReassurancesI have given my heart and soul raising my 2 beautiful children into young adulthood, I want to continue doing that.  In particular to my son Kurtis as he begins his life living with diabetes independently.

I want to live life. I want grow old with Steve and be able to fully enjoy our journey together.  I don’t him to worry about me.  He has to deal with my choices I make with my diabetes now and in the future.

 

So, with this, these are my reassurances to you:

You can live with diabetes.

You will change your perspective each day on how that will happen.

Through trial and error you will find your groove.

Do not fear the unknown.  Work with what you have today and change your game plan and perspective as need be.  BUT stick to the rules.

You are not bad no matter what the numbers say, the only change you need to make when you see them is to make it better, for your sake and for those you love.

Lofty Goals

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Lofty Goals

Are the goals you set this New Year too lofty?

Do you find you can be like a race horse waiting for the gate to open? You give it your all but you haven’t trained or prepared enough OR don’t have the build or stamina to be a race horse…yet?

My Mom used to say to me “you can only hit the telephone lines if you reach for the sky.”

I’m sure as you read this you say…”What the heck? Isn’t this supposed to be a website for motivation & empowerment?”

It is…this is the point of my post;

I want to help you create positive, realistic goals that are achievable long term.

There is nothing more defeating then setting goals that you are not prepared for which are so lofty yet you are SO excited about. All of the sudden you begin to make excuses, you let the goals drift into what was and you look back and realize you have let them dwindle into a memory, harshly criticizing yourself for failing. A terrible cycle to be in.

An important point to support you in succeeding is to be realistic & committed. The other point is to know that setting small goals that work toward your desired accomplishment is OK!! Congratulate yourself when you reach each small goal. Mark those as your successes.

Bottom line…be realistic.

If your A1C is 10%, don’t expect it to drop to 7% in 3 months. Pick 1% every 3 months & in 9 months you will have reached your goal.

If you decide to test 4 times a day but test randomly throughout the week, start with 1 time for 1 week & 2 times the next week & so on. Establish the habit of testing pick test times that coincide with your life, your schedule.

If you want to lose weight set your goal at 1-2 pounds per week. Weigh yourself once a week, not everyday. Eliminate self-defeating variables that are beyond your control. Did you decide to set your goal to exercise for 1 hour everyday? Will that work with your crazy schedule or your fitness level?

Do you want to run a marathon this year but have never run? Start with running the distance of a telephone pole or run for 1 minute walk for 1 minute for 15 or 20 minutes. If it’s too much, it’s okay to say ‘that’s enough’ and try again tomorrow or re-set your goal to what you can achieve.

What small, realistic goals will you set that will help you get to the final achievement?

Put one foot in front of the other & focus on where that foot is going. Before you know it you have crossed the ‘finish line’.

A New Year, A Lifetime of Change

January 1, 2011 was the beginning of a New Year.  I did not realize that my ‘year’ would last three.

Today is January 1, 2014.  It is traditionally the beginning of a New Year.

Thoughts, discussions, intentions and commitments for change shared. Summaries spoken and written of the year gone by.  Sentiments of regret and thankfulness for the past year or for the start of a new one expressed.

The thought of taking one year out of my life, summarizing it as a huge event and determining what the sentiments of regrets and/or what I am thankful for seems like such a small measurement of time in the 44 years I have been on this earth.  My ‘year’ is defined as a stage as opposed to a calendar year.

My last ‘year’ began in 2011.  Many events and themes which I did not want and which I thought would never happen occurred.  These events and themes have been on the front lines of my life since 2011.

My Mom and Dad gave me this coffee cup for Christmas.  When I opened it I fell in love.  It will be my ‘go to’ cup for my new ‘year’ because since I was a little girl it is who I am.

In my ‘year’ I have experienced death of a marriage, loss of a six figure income job, multiple, costly court hearings, moving 3 times, unemployed with no income for 2 years, major illness, major surgery, a sick parent, new love, the purchase of 3 houses, selling 2 houses, new job, managing a rental property, becoming engaged, living with my fiancé, moving my daughter twice back and forth to Toronto, my daughter living out of province in a remote area that provided little communication for 8 months, my son’s up’s and down’s as 20 year olds do, ‘adopting’ another son, on-line harassment for the past 2 years by my fiancé’s ex, commuting 2 hours a day, acquiring a puppy and a 4-year-old kennel dog and finally, living with Type 1 diabetes for 38 years and being a Mom of a young adult living with Type 1 diabetes.

In my ‘year’ I cried, I cursed, I have been so angry and so sad that I said things to people I didn’t mean and regret.  I made decisions that I regret.  I beat myself up daily and wish I could say and do differently in certain situations.

Why do I write this and open myself to you?  I do believe that I need to share my experiences to help others.  I have decided this is the end of this ‘year’ of events.  I want to move on.  It’s time for a new stage in my life.

Even though I feel it is time to start a new year and celebrate this, based on the events and experiences of the past 3 years I have learned some very important lessons.

1.  Change is inevitable.  Despite posts and quotes online about the fact one CAN control their life and think themselves into the perfect life, I don’t.  I can plan all I want but my plans are not God’s.  That is different then having a cup half full attitude.

2.  Acceptance creates change.  Acceptance of what I can’t control allows for freedom to focus on what’s important and what I can change.

3.  Let go, selectively.  In my life, I have experienced 3 lives.  My childhood, my first marriage with my children as a family and my current life with my fiancé Steve and blended family.  Advice is abounding, telling us that if one doesn’t let go of the past and move forward then one will never grow.  I refuse to ‘forget’ my past and ‘move forward’.  If I did that I would be letting go of the experiences my children and I have had that are important to us, good and bad.  My past has made me and my children who we are today.  When I dwell on a moment and it creates an emotion, I have learned that it is time to decide why I am dwelling on it.  What is the lesson?  How can I use that moment for my present life?  I believe past and present are a marriage which promotes personal growth.

4.  Always know there is a Plan B.  I am a dreamer.  Dreams come true.  Dreams stay dreams.  When the dreams don’t come true, know there is another way or leave it as a dream.  Not all dreams come true.

5.  It is okay not to be spontaneous.  Spontaneity is fun and I will always be a spontaneous person.  BUT, I have learned that when I really think I have a brilliant idea I want to carry out NOW, it’s time to step back and give it 48 hours.  I have a team of people I trust that I consult with.  I get their thoughts which gives me a different perspective which allows me to make the right choice.

6.  Be thankful everyday.  After I think of all the people and ‘things’ in my life, I imagine all of those that are less fortunate than me.  Those that are lonely, abused, destitute, unloved, sick, dying and sad. I have met those living in such circumstances and they are thankful for what they have.  They have a ‘cup half full’ attitude.  I ask myself, what reason do I have to think my life is anything less than abundantly blessed?  What reason do I have to express less than a ‘cup half full’ attitude?

7.  Act on it.  What I have learned in my past ‘year’ is by delaying action on deadlines not only causes inconveniences for others but consequences for many levels of mine and my loved ones life.  I have learned in this ‘year’ that the stress I have caused over the years by choosing to delay the demands of life has been far more painful than acting on it right away.

8.  Move.  From 1992 to 2011 I have taken very good care of my body by moving.  Through various sports and activities I kept myself well and in good shape.  In this ‘year’ I have put that on hold.  I conjured up many excuses as to why it was okay not to keep the commitments I made to my body.  I am only blessed with one body.  I may think it feels good to sit around and relax after all of the stress is laid before me instead of moving but after a few years my body has sent me a very different message.  I am re-learning that if I move my face glows, I sleep better, my muscles ache from stressing them from movement, they become stronger, my thoughts flow easier, my mood is brighter, my motivations increases.

9.  Try to keep it simple.  Living in this day in age is so complex. I’m learning in this ‘year’ it’s okay to let go of what isn’t important.  It’s okay to do nothing.  It’s okay to not always be thinking about something.  It’s okay to turn off the radio in the car and have it silent.  It’s okay not to worry.

10.  Love.  Don’t let past experiences stop you from falling (in love) again.  It feels so good AND yes it hurts sometimes.  And some loves that are no longer will cause sadness to the end of time OR until you cross paths again.  Don’t hold grudges over past loves unless you are committed to change it, they don’t know you are.  It only takes up space in your mind and robs your energy.

11.  Own a hairy or furry pet that is not nocturnal.  I have always had dogs and cats in my life.  In February 2011 I had to leave my dog behind but took mine and my children’s 3 cats.  I thought that would be enough.  It was not the case.  In October 2012 we brought 8 week old Samson into our lives.  In May 2013 4 1/2 year old Belle became the newest addition to our Samoyed husky family.  With 4 cats & 2 dogs our home can be a hairy circus but the personalities and activities that entertain us every day keeps us laughing and counters the work involved.  I can feel the stress leave my body as I see their excited faces looking for me as I ascend the steps to enter through the door returning home.  As I walk into the house and see their ‘smiles’ I feel an overflow of joy swell up within me by their unconditional greetings.  As I pet or hug one of our pups any stress I have experienced melts.

This is my ‘year’ in summary.  These are the lessons I have learned.  I’m looking forward to the next chapter of my life.  I open my arms to the events that will unfold and the lessons that will be re-enforced as well as the new ones I will learn.

Happy New Year and Cheers to you and yours, Tracy